Now, the only thing I’ve ever been good at has always been helping people. My friends have always come to me when they’ve needed advice or someone to listen to. Recently I told a friend I didn’t know how to help her and she said, “Just be Erica.” That’s what I’m known for – being someone that anyone can go to. Since high school people I’ve never talked to have come to me for help. I’ve always loved that. I’ve always loved being able to be there for people when they needed me. I’ve always loved being the person that anyone can go to.
It seems that lately I’ve lost that ability. I no longer know how to help anyone, or maybe I just don’t have it in me anymore. I get irritated when people text me for help. I take hours to respond to someone’s message about something that’s bothering them. I turn people away, I don’t give advice, I ignore. I don’t know what made me become this bitter shell of a person and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe it’s just years of helping people while no one’s helped me. And it’s not like people haven’t offered or tried… it’s just that I’m beyond help. Nobody can help me and because of that, I can no longer help people.
This is my apology to those who I’ve turned away. Those to whom I’ve said “maybe you should get a therapist” or “sorry I can’t deal with this today.” This is an apology to everybody who I’ve put my own problems above. I’m sorry. Sometimes, more often than not, my life becomes too much to handle and I don’t know what to do. During those times it’s really hard for me to see anyone else’s struggles as if they’re as important as my own. It’s hard for me to recognize that other people are hurting too. So I grow a hard shell and refuse to acknowledge anybody else’s troubles.
This is my apology to all the people I didn’t help, to all the people who came to me expecting to be saved and were only disappointed, to all the people I’ve lost. And this is a thank you to all of you who have stuck with me, to those of you who understand that I’ve been in a bad place for a long time and don’t expect anything from me. This is a thank you to the people who have forgiven my mistakes.
Finally, this is a promise. This is a promise to all of you. I will get better. I will rededicate my life and myself to helping all of you and making everyone else’s lives better. Even when my own is in shambles, I will make sure to be there for anyone who may need me. So although I’ve always said this, this time I mean it in full: If you need somebody, I am here. The only way I’ll get through what I’m going through is if I help others to deal with what they are going through. The only way I’ll survive is if all of you do.
My phone is always on.